Countdown with Keith Olbermann' for February 14

Host: Keith Olbermann

Scheduled Topics/Guests:

PREGNANT KENTUCKY WOMAN'S ATTACKER MAY HAVE SOUGHT FETUS: Pat Brown, criminal profiler and author of "Killing for Sport"

ARE THE IRAQI ELECTION WINNERS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE U.S. ENVISIONED AND WILL IRAQ TURN INTO A THEOCRACY?: Walid Phares, senior fellow, The Foundation for the Defense of Democracies, MSNBC analyst

Read the transcript to the 8 p.m. ET show
Updated: Feb 15, 2:50 p.m.
Guests: Bill Crockett, Richard Wolffe

OLBYWATCH GUIDE:

MEMORANDUM
FROM: Keith Olbermann
TO: Rick Kaplan, David Brock, George Soros
BCC: Brian S.
SUBJECT: Tonight's Countdown

It was just five decades ago that Edward R. Murrow sat down in front of the microphone and changed the face of television news. And in much the same fashion, tonight I started another week of the history-making news hour, Countdown. Because the viewing public are stupid, stupid people, they are not watching a show with a brilliant, intellectual, and extremely humble host like myself. And all of our efforts in the struggle whose aims we share will go for naught if we can't get people to tune in.

That's why I made the top story tonight something straight out of Inside Edition: a fight to the death between two pregnant women. This may not be the most important story of the day, or even the most interesting, but considering the way people tune out Countdown in droves, maybe this will keep a few of those ignorant masses from hitting the remote just long enough for our purposes.

I had to make Jose Canseco's steroid scandal the #4 story. Unlike foreign policy, economics, culture, and military strategy, where I am merely an expert, when it comes to sports I am the world's acknowledged authority. Based on my extensive research, I think it's pretty clear that Canseco never actually played in any division of baseball. I am saving that scoop for an upcoming entry in my personal blog over at narcissism.com.

I hope all this tabloid stuff kept our viewers from their daily exodus, because I was able to get the good stuff into the Top 3 Newsmakers segment.

And David, this is for you, because I did mention "Jeff Gannon" and his naked pictures from that americablog.org that you recommended to me. (And to think I once complained about too much Monica Lewinsky!) Running a half hour of trashy stories, and then getting our zingers in when they are least expected--I think this could work. George, get back to me on what you think of this.

I framed the #3 story (Iraq elections) just as we agreed: Iraq could end up with an Islamic government just like Iran's. But I couldn't do much with Richard Engel's report--why does a great journalist like me have to make do with dispatches from inferior second-raters, recycled from NBC at that? I'm glad that I was able to get Richard Wolffe from Newsweek as a guest for this segment. He was happy to play along with my worst-case scenarios. I don't think he was aware that Dan Senor said the administration is pleased with the election results, but I wasn't about to contradict him when he was paddling in our direction.

Whose idea was it anyhow to use Walid Phares? This guy was on Fox News once. He wrote an article for National Review, for crying out loud! That's not going to help our cause any. Luckily I was able to cancel his appearance before air time. I'm going to have to watch the bookers more carefully so that nothing like this even comes close to going on air.

Note how I reported the business about our flying drones over Iran. I did the charge; I did Iran's formal protest. But nothing about the Pentagon denials, or even the fact that the US isn't the only country that flies drones. I doubt those ignoramuses over in Robert Cox's henhouse will even notice.

That's really the meat of it, guys. We filled the rest of the time with more recycled NBC stuff and a hilarious segment called "Valentine's Day Stinks!". Man, that had to be the funniest bit since The Honeymooners; you could tell from that stagehand who cackled after every one of my punchlines. Well, almost every one. Many of them, anyhow. A few. Rick, I want that man's name and personnel file.

Anyhow guys, I got all of your daily talking points in, and nobody is any the wiser. And just like that fateful day when Chet Huntley and David Brinkley said their final goodnights, so did I end another edition of Countdown in a similarly distinguished fashion, throwing paper at the camera.

KO