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"COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN" (8:00 P.M.-9:00 P.M. ET)
Host: Keith Olbermann
Friday night's OlbySpin, distilled to its essence--short and to the point, like a telegram:
Rumsfeld speaks "repression" and "anti-Americanism". Rumsfeld blames the media. Rumsfeld repeats himself. Olby repeats himself. The Washington Post betrays Joe Wilson. PlameGate conspiracy doubters are illogical. Keith has a "new" book. Blue blogs are good because they promoted it. Saying Clinton didn't get UBL is bad. Olby can review movies he hasn't seen. "Great thanks" count: 4.
But it was after the show ended that things really got interesting.
The scene: a bathroom, in a palatial apartment somewhere in New York; sounds of water splashing, as a telephone rings...
Hello?... Yes, this is Keith... No I don't take calls unless I get a written request beforehand, notarized by... Oh, it's Dan?... I guess you can put him on.
Hi, Dan! How are... I'm sorry. Mister Abrams. How are you doing?... I'm just relaxing after an exhausting three-day week.... No, I am not in the bathtub again. You're hearing, um, the goldfish tank....
This week's shows? Did you see all the blogs that wrote me up? I gotta tell you, this was my best technorati week ever, Dan.... Right. Mister Abrams. Anyhow, the links are going through the roof, and did you see my Amazon ranking? It's... Well, yeah, I know you don't run Amazon.... Look, fourth place is irrelevant. Ratings don't mean anything.... They do to you? But I really got Rumsfeld. Kos has been all over it. And I got him again tonight. This is better than the O'Reilly feud! The bloggers are gonna love it. They... You have a few thoughts? Listen, I answer to nobody, Dan, ImeanMisterAbrams, and... But.... But.... Um, can you hold for just a second? I've got a call coming in on the other line. It's one of my confidential informants. This could be the big break in an exclusive I'm working on. I'll be right back. [click]
Hello?... Hi there.... Yes, we're still on for tonight.... No, that wouldn't be a good idea. How about I just come up to your hotel room?.... Yeah, I'll bring a little something with me.... No, I mean in addition to that other little something.... Right. I have to take this other call, one of my informants..... OK. See you then. [click]
Hello, Dan? Mister Abrams?.... Yeah, I'm back. If this guy comes through it will be a special comment like you have never seen.... Well sure, that was one of my greatest commentaries.... Yes, I cited all those editorials, the LA Times and the rest, to show all the outrage at Rumsfeld's fascist remarks. The editorials showed how all these papers are jumping on my bandwagon, and they... The Washington Post editorial? Well sure, I took them on tonight, Dan. You... Right. Mister Abrams. I... No, no, no. I don't care how many times I've gushed over Post editorials before. This editorial was different from all those others. It was aimed directly at me. They tried to say I was wrong, but it was those spineless amoebas at the Post who are wrong. And when wrong news breaks, I fix it.... I'm sorry, but they don't have a monopoly on the facts. I do, and.... Wait, I think that's my informant on the other line. Hold for just a second. [click]
Hello?... Why are you calling me?... No, I don't want the glasses back, or the wine. You got a tie, didn't you?... Look, never contact me again. And let me tell you what you can do to your mother... Hello? Hello?... Heh heh. [click]
Hi, it's me, Dan.... Yes, yes, Mister Abrams. This source is going to blow the lid off that Ohio ballot business.... Yes, that again. You'll see... The Media Matters segment on Thursday? What about it?... Yeah, I got Coulter and her Adam's Apple good. Can you believe she joked about shooting Lincoln Chafee?... Um, what movie is that?... Oh, the one where they assassinate Mister Bush? It's a great statement of dissent, a tribute to free speech, and... Well no, why would I make the producers worst persons?... That's different. You can't see the distinction? It's Ann Coulter, for crying out loud.... No, Coulter isn't free speech like that movie is. It's.... Dan, if you don't understand... All right, all right. Mister. Freaking. Abrams.... OK, I'll calm down.
Look, I've got an important meeting with my source and I've got to get going.... What do you mean by that crack?... No, I don't buy wine glasses in bulk.... We can talk about this next week; leave a written request in my mailbox.... Yes, yes, I know, fourth place, fourth place. Thanks for the call, Dan.... MISTER Abrams. Good night and good luck. [click]
Sheesh. "Mister" Abrams. Mister, Mister, Mister. Who does he think he is anyhow? Bush?
UPDATE: Newsbusters compares KO's "coverage" to Scarborough Country.