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"COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN" (8:00 P.M.-9:00 P.M. ET)
Host: Keith Olbermann
Krazy Keith bellowed Tuesday night's opening spiel: more on "stay the course", one of the "serving marines" who wants to leave Iraq, Hastert and the "Republican page sex scandal", "increased Democratic chances for the Senate", and, of course, Cruise News!
Kicking off The Hour of Spin proper by calling Iraq a "civil war", Olby barked casualty statistics, recounted some administration statements, and then dragged in the shape-shifting pundit himsel. KO asked if all this talk about a timeline is "a change in name only". Hmm. Here's a stumper: will Fineman agree with Olby, or disagree? Let's see: "it's no real change in policy, it's just a change in tone". Monkeymann siezed on that:
Do they not also to some degree abandon the central election year message from the White House...
Howie didn't even wait for Mr Humility to finish: he was nodding "yes" as the question was being asked! That's a good Countdown Crony. As we have documented time and again, whatever move the White House makes has to be painted as a bad move, so Olby dutifully suggested that this change in tone leaves Republicans who had been loyal "out to sea". On OlbyPlanet it doesn't matter what George Bush does, because it's heads Dems win, tails GOPs lose. Just to put the finishing touch on it, the "timeline" spoken of by the administration now "misses the forest for the trees", according to The Great and Powerful Olb. As he spoke, Fineman was nodding. Perfect!
After great thanksing Howie, Monkeymann moved on to the next item on his party's agenda. "Dozens" of active duty servicemen plan to ask Congress to withdraw troops and end the war. Cue Madden, as Olbermann swooned about the "risky" move he is making. Edward R Olbermann used a leading question to prompt Madden to take a shot at Tony Snow. Then--since Madden had said nothing substantive beyond he supports his fellow marines and opposes the war--KO remembered that he had a political agenda to promote. He suggested to Madden that it's the next Congress (i.e., when the Dems take over) that will "get something done", and the soldier rushed to agree.
But to be fair, Olbermann did state that tomorrow he would bring on one of the majority of active service personnel who support the Iraq action to present the other side of the story.
Yeah, right. The day that happens is the day water runs uphill. They don't call it The Hour of Spin for nothing.
The #4 story was the "Republican page sex scandal". You know, like the "Democrat intern sex scandal". What, you don't remember Olbermann ever calling it that? Perhaps it's because he never did. Edward R Olbermann's objective report began with suggesting that Dennis Hastert's explanations are "borderline delusional", but left the details of the Speaker's appearance before the ethics committee to a taped report by Chip Reid. Yes, Olby thanked the tape when it concluded.
After another tease for a "Democratic surge" in the Senate races and an inspiring, uplifting segment of "oddball", the #3 story took on the contests for the upper house. In a shocking, incredible development, the infamous, deplorable Keith Olbermann actually uttered the phrase:
Bob Menendez under investigation in New Jersey...
Note that Olbermann Watch has been browbeating Krazy Keith for weeks on this very subject, and now he has been humiliated into acknowledging the rectitude of our just criticisms. Chalk it up as another victory for truth and justice. But that won't last long. Just seconds later there was another mention of Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum. Perhaps this is why David Kuo--of the infamous Kuo Quotes--who was Olby's hero for three days in a row ain't gonna set foot on OlbyPlanet. He is one of Santorum's strongest supporters.
Then KO rattled off poll numbers, and to interpret them, he called on the least reliable, most discredited pseudo-journalist in the Countdown armamentarium: David Shuster. First they tackled DeWine and Santorum (both appear to be in trouble); we thought Rick might be in trouble, but then Slippery Shuster declared that, barring some unexpected development, "Santorum will lose". Hmm. Rove indicted. Hastert out in a week. And now Santorum will lose. They must have been popping the champagne corks at Rick's headquarters when they heard Slippery's report. Conrad Burns makes "stupid" remarks. In Virginia, Shuster hastened to bring up the "n-word" claims about Allen (but did not detail any of the allegations against Webb) and talked about how if "more" comes out that could mean trouble. Neither he nor Olbermoronn mentioned that Allen is leading in every current poll. Corker vs Ford: KO ludicrously claimed an RNC ad "hits on racial fears" and hoped it would "give Ford a boost". Slippery piled on, claiming the comedic spot was trying to tell people Ford was engaged in "interracial" dating! To complete the spin, Olby added:
We'll see if somebody backlashes, as we suggest, against it, that, may--, perhaps that, uh, we're not giving Tennessee enough credit.
This was incoherent enough to leave any rational carbon-based unit mystified over its meaning, but our experience with OlbyLogic leads us to conclude the import was supposed to be: vote for Ford or you are a racist.
The #2 story was about identifying remains at 9/11. More have been found. Those inept, incompetent city planners! If only they had followed Herr Olbermann's advice and built that building years ago, there would have been none of this bother of finding more remains and notifying survivors. The bones could have remained safely buried under tons of Olby-inspired concrete. This news was the excuse to rerun an old KO report on forensics at the 9/11 site. Heather Mills and Paul McCartney followed, then Anna Nicole Smith, Kevin Federline, Brittney Spears. Pride of Place (the #1 story) was Cruise News! with the creepy Michael Musto. Keith "Man on Fan" Olbermann lied that his producers were "forcing" him to cover the story, but we know better. Encouraged by Krazy Keith's forced laughter, Musto yammered about shoe lifts, rotten eggs, and Suri. The talk was all TomKat; there was nothing about the rumored-to-be-rocky KOKat.
In the Media Matters Minute, Olby went after a gubernatorial candidate in Nevada (R). "Fat Ass" Olbermann knew it wasn't enough to fill the "Republican" slot in this "nonpartisan" segment; he also had to smear someone at Fox. So he launched another attack on Bill O'Reilly. What eeevil thing did Mr Bill do this time? He disagreed with a Harvard professor and said that the Taliban was not likely to take control of Afghanistan. The discredited sports guy has become so desperate that he attacks O'Reilly for opining that the US won't lose the war in Afghanistan. The logic of this indicates that Edward R Olbermann believes that such an opinion is bad, evil, and wrong. Therefore, according to KO, the only good opinion is the one that states America will lose. Why does Keith Olbermann hate US troops? Why does Keith Olbermann hate America?
Dogs that did not bark: Edward R Olbermann's determination to minimize terrorists threats, no matter where they may be, showed once more tonight. An AP photographer, kidnapped in Gaza, today was set free. And there was not one word of it on The Hour of Spin. The Dow Jones again found the market hitting historic highs today. Why is it that this is news everywhere except on OlbyPlanet? And with the World Series heating up, isn't it about time "Fat Ass" Olbermann did the right thing and apologize for his repellent smear of Albert Pujols and Chris Mihlfield, which he lifted from a discredited and retracted blog entry? Or is expecting Krazy Keith to act in even a nominally responsible fashion asking too much?
Amazon has already discounted
Olbermann's book the book that bears Olbermann's name by almost 50%, and yet, despite the attempt to juice sales with another "special" comment, it has sunk to #195, while Mr Bill's "Culture Warrior" strides along at #15. At Barnes & Noble, the OlbyTome has submerged to an embarrassing #1,918, while O'Reilly's best-seller has risen to #19. Monday is usually KO's most-viewed night (undoubtedly why the latest "special" comment was scheduled as it was), but the Nielsens found Countdown still mired in third place both among total viewers and in Keith's coveted, all-important, critical, beloved, key "demo".