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"COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN" (8:00 P.M.-9:00 P.M. ET)
Host: Keith Olbermann
Loony left central tonight on the Hour of Spin. Why was Keith in the tub yesterday, you ask? Just look at the lineup! He needed the Laughing Stagehand to put in extra hours creating the best softball questions he could lob at Michael "that kind of crap" Moore. Al Qaeda is back! It's stronger than any time ever but "Mister" Bush is countering that by saying the threat is overblown. Wait, isn't tonight's Speshul Komment implying that said terrorist threat is purely political and we shouldn't be trusting it? Which is it, Hauptmann? Is the President a liar or "Mister" Chertoff's gut? Can they both be liars? Or, as usual, you're just convinced that everyone is out to mislead you - or something like that? Apparently "Mister" Bush is disputing the facts even though, the facts, according to Der Fuhrer, are that he is countering the truth with threat assessment from another agency. I can't keep track! Apparently "he would know - or maybe not." Exactly. Typical Olby rhetoric - disort, lie and smear. Rinse and repeat. PLAME-GATE! Mister Bush promised to remove anyone who disclosed Mrs. Wilson's identity - but Fat Ass suggests he didn't. Hey moron - the guy who disclosed it - Dick Armitage - resigned on his own. Furthermore, he was one of your buddies who thought the Iraq War was a mistake. But I guess on OlbyPlanet it's all SCOOTER FIBBY! SCOOTER FIBBY! Funny how SCOOTER FIBBY wasn't indicted on a charge of disclosing a "covert agent's" identity. Whoops. Does not compute. Chertoff is gutless. Keithy is upset that the pics of Ms. New Jersey are not lacisvious enough. Speshul Komment plug.
#5: Keith makes perhaps his dumbest analogy in the history of sports broadcast - er - journalism. Something about some kid in Germany who tried to steal his report card because he would have to repeat his sophmore year. He had two kids try to steal his report card - which is just like Mister Bush who has "changed his report card" from its "Fs" to something else. Ok, what? Somehow the administration is threatening someone vis a vis this "metaphorical" report card. Keith worries that Al-Qaeda has regrouped to levels it has not experienced SINCE 9/11. Like, after we captured more than 2/3 of their leadership? Another attempt at an OlbySmear by trying to make it sound like "Mister" Bush is laying blame for 9/11 on Iraq. No, Jabba, what he is saying is that the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11 are now in Iraq trying to kill us. Not that Saddam Hussein or the Iraqi government had anything to do with 9/11. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Keith, ever the foreign policy wonk, declares that we created the power vacuum which has lead to Al-Qaeda in Iraq and CLEARLY we are all just flat out too stupid to realize that. On OlbyPlanet, one is naturally privy to more information than those in the White House and Defense Department. God - OBVIOUSLY! Adam's Apple, honored by General Clark's presence, asks HOW the President can play the fear card so long? Not if, maybe, could be, HOW? Is this not the definition of a biased question? Then again, I am not Edward R. Olbermann. "Were he to listen to his intelligence..." and another "duh" moment of the obvious evidence that Al-Qaeda in Iraq did not exist until 2004, has the White House reached a "watershed" [Ding!] moment? Have the President's actions not made this nation more vulnerable to terrorism, opines the slovenly political hack? Forget that incident in 1993 at the WTC, or those in 1998 in Africa, or that one on the USS Cole in 2000. Forget that we have not had an attack in six years in the United States. I wonder how sock puppet will play this one. Sock Puppet naturally agrees that we are more at risk than we are - oh wait - before we invaded Iraq, not 9/11 like Olby suggested. Whoops. Sock Puppet has asked for it. The President threw General Franks "under the bus" [Ding!] Quote Senator Edwards, the guy who voted for the Gulf War, calling the administration "delusional." Oh yeah, that guy is a Democrat too. Nevermind. The President has created the best recruiting tool that Osama Bin Laden could have ever hoped for states Keithy. I am trying my best not to read the irony of this behind Keith's emergence as the voice of defeatists. My heart skipped a beat when Gen. Clarke says he believes Sec. Chertoff when he says he has no hard evidence of an impending attack. Clarke praises law enforcement.
SCHWEINHUND! Thou shalt know better! DO NOT DISAGREE WITH OLBERSTURMFUHRER.
Although, he says politics trumps policy. Conspiracy theories about extending threats for political purposes until the President leaves office. Keith praises law enforcement too (echo he does). Great Thanks.
#4: Accountability? The President is killing it. The tombstone created by Harriet Miers non appearance. He never sought accountability for the "Plame leak" (Dick Armitage, Olby? Anyone? Bueller?). Herr Olbermann is joined by "acountability advocate" Rachel Maddow of Err America. Pardon my journalistic credibility here - HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHHA. Ok. I needed to get that out. I am sure that all folks, including renowned smear artist Al Franken of Err America, are interested in accountability. Will Congress enforce its contempt findings? Who better to ask than someone who has nothing to do with Congress, Ms. Maddow! It's the "64k dollar question." How original. Pictures of John Conyers grand standing. Scooter Fibby commutating designed to appeal to viewers of Fox, says Ms. Maddow. Oooooo - gotcha Fox! And how better to appeal to Oralmann's ego than attacking the network that annihilates MSNBC on every front? More Richard Nixon [Ding!] references. We should focus more on Scooter Libby, says Maddow. Again I ask, WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DID HE HAVE TO DO WITH VALERIE PLAME? NOTHING. Is Mr. Bush cashing a blank cheque since Ms. Pelosi is not considering impeachment? If we cared about the constitution, we should impeach him. Great thanks. Chertoff should be fired.
Oddball: Running of the bulls in Spain (mess with the bull, get the horns - HAR HAR HAR Keith. Oh and Keith doesn't know the difference between a bull and a cow - thanks Merkle), a lot of mentos and "cokes" (again, another reference to Keith's regional knowledge of descriptions of "soda" - I am from the North East), Robotic campaigner in Afghanistan. Attack on St. Rudy and John McCain as the robot would avoid prostitues and drugs.
Newsmakers: Natalie Jacobson, Roberto Bernocco, Chinese Government
#3: Olbersturmfuhrer praises Germany for being the first nation to have national health care. Softball interview of the century and past. Clip from Sicko propaganda. Insult leveled against Fox "Noise" - HA! Another clip of Moore ranting and raving on CNN - practically shouting. Moore suggests he was out of control too - wow. He hopes for an apology from CNN for their maligning of his innocent "documentary." Moore praises Keith's commentaries on the war - ooooooo more sucking up in the vein of Maddow. He also calls the President "Mister" Bush without ever calling him President. Funny how like minds act alike. "Agreed." Konspiracy Theory on how a war distracts us from all the important issues like whether or not a Department of Homeland Security should exist and whether or not we should have universal health care. But of course, THAT'S WHY WE INVADED Iraq. To avoid talking about the very issue that you can have an hour long diatribe on your show about. Obviously. Moore attacks the Health Care industry. Keithy wonders how we'll have a single payer system since only Congressman Kucinich is for it out of all the Presidential Candidates. Is that guy even a hopeful? Is this a "tacit" admission of who you want as President, Herr Olbermann? The guy who wants to create the "Department of Peace"? Eeeeeeeeevil corporations make money on health insurance. On and on and on about the evils of profit. Rant about ending the war and the Democrats who are afraid says Keith. "Somehow" they're just "not getting the message." Go figure. Great Thanks. "Thanks for the great show you have." Wow, suck up central this evening. Pervert joke about Ms. New Jersey and her chest.
#2: Keeping Tabs: Ms. New Jersey keeps her crown. They are "hot if you are into pumpkins." Paris Hilton used her departure from jail to model her new clothing line.
In the Media Matters minute, bronze: religious "fanatics" protesting a Hindu Chaplain with a clip found at DailyKos. Silver to Sandy Rios for disagreeing with the San Diego padres for hosting a Gay Pride event during a giveaway of hats to kids. Actually, that's not why she got the silver. It's because she said there was a half-time during a baseball game - which does not happen (Source). Gold - Bill O'Reilly! Why? Same subject. Source? The same. Oralmann chastised Mr. O'Reilly for also disagreeing with the hosting of a gay pride event during an event designed for kids. God forbid - he actually said in his talking points memo that the viewer can make up theor own minds on the matter! Unlike Herr Olbermann's show where NO ONE disagrees.
Olbermann's book The book that bears Olbermann's name was dealt a bad day at #8,575 on amazon.com, but "Culture Warrior" is #851. (It's that 2-for-$25 sale!) The OlbyTome managed to - wait - it didn't. It's still unranked at Barnes and Noble; O'Reilly's book is #1,199 there, and is one of the top five books of 2006 per Publishers Weekly. Wednesday's Hour of Spin managed a laughable and fitting fourth place finish in that "money demo" Olbsession. Source. Tonight's MisterMeter reading: 14 [DANGER!!!]
APPENDIX: Keith's Latest Speshul Education Komment
You have by now heard the remark - instantly added to our through-the-looking-glass lexicon of the 21st century, a time when we suddenly started referring to this country as "the homeland," as if anybody here has used that term since Charles Lindbergh or the German-American Bund in 1940.
Michael Chertoff's "gut feeling."
Which, he took pains to emphasize, was based on no specific nor even vague intelligence that we are entering a period of increased risk of terrorism here.
He got as specific as saying that al-Qaida seems to like the summer, but as to the rest of it, he is perfectly content to let us sit and wait and worry - and to contemplate his gut.
We used to have John Ashcroft's major announcements.
We used to have David Paulison's breathless advisories about how to use duct tape against radiation attacks.
We used to have Tom Ridge's color-coded threat levels.
Now we have Michael Chertoff's gut!
Once, we thought we were tiptoeing along a Grand Canyon of possible and actual freedoms and civil liberties destroyed, as part of some kind of nauseating but ultimately necessary and intricately designed plan to stop future 9/11s or even future Glasgow car bombers who wind up having to get out and push their failed weapons.
Now it turns out we are risking all of our rights and protections - and risking the anger and hatred of the rest of the world - for the sake of Michael Chertoff's gut.
I have pondered this supreme expression of diminished expectations for parts of three days now. I have concluded that there are only five possible explanations for Mr. Chertoff's remarkable revelations about his transcendently important counterterrorism stomach.
Firstly, Mr. Chertoff, you are, as Richard Wolffe said here the other night, actually referencing not your gut but your backside - as in, "covering it." CYA.
Not only has there not been a terrorist attack stopped in this country, but your good old Homeland Security hasn't even unraveled a plausible terrorist plan.
And you and your folks there have a different kind of stomach pain, knowing that with a track record that consists largely of two accomplishments - inconveniencing people at airports and scaring them everywhere else - your department doesn't know what the hell it's doing, and even you, Mr. Chertoff, know it.
Secondly, of course, there is the explanation of choice for those millions of us who have heard the shrill and curiously timed cries of "wolf" over the past six years - what we've called here "the Nexus of Politics and Terror" - that there isn't anything cooking, and your "gut feeling" was actually that you'd better throw up a diversion soon on Mr. Bush's behalf or something real - like the Republicans' revolt about Iraq, and the nauseating "gut feeling" that we have gotten 3,611 Americans killed there for no reason - was actually going to seep into the American headlines and consciousness.
It's impossible to prove a negative, to guarantee that you and your predecessors deliberately scared the American public just for the political hell of it - even though your predecessor, Mr. Ridge, admitted he had his suspicions about exactly that.
Suffice to say, Mr. Chertoff: If it ever can be proved, there will be a lot of people from Homeland Security and other outposts of this remarkably corrupt administration who will be going to prison.
Thirdly - and most charitably, I guess, Mr. Chertoff - is the possibility that you have made some credible inference that we are really at greater risk right now but that any detail might blow some sort of attempt at interruption. There is some silver lining in this one.
But the silver lining would have been a greater one if this National Counter Terrorism Center Report hadn't leaked out the day after you introduced us to your gut, a report suggesting al-Qaida had re-built its operational capacity to pre-9/11 levels.
Not only did this latest hair-on-fire missive remind us that al-Qaida's re-growth has been along the Pakistan/Afghanistan border; not only did it remind us that your boss let this happen by shifting his resources out of Afghanistan to Iraq for his own vain and foolish purposes, to say nothing of ignoring Pakistan; not only did it underscore the ominous truth that if this country is victimized again by al-Qaida, the personal responsibility for the failure of our misplaced defenses would belong to President Bush and President Bush alone, but on top of all of it, Mr. Chertoff, it revealed you for the phony expert you are - the kid who hears in confidence something smart from somebody smart and then makes his prediction that what the smart kid said confidentially is about to happen.
It reads just as you revised the "gut" remark this morning, sir - the "informed opinion." The kid telling stories out of school.
The fourth possibility is a simple reversal of the third, Mr. Chertoff.
You shot off your bazoo, and then this National Counter Terrorism Center report was rushed out - even created - to cover you, to give you credibility, to cloud the reality that you actually intoned to the Chicago Tribune, the 21s-century equivalent of "by the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes."
But the fifth possible explanation of your gut, Mr. Chertoff, is the real nightmare scenario.
And it is simple.
That you, the man who famously told us "Louisiana is a city that is largely under water," meant this literally.
That we really have been reduced to listening to see if your gut will growl.
That your intestines are our best defense.
That your bowels are our listening devices, your digestive tract is full of augurs, your colon produces the results that the torture at Gitmo does not.
All hail the prophetic gut!
So there are your choices: bureaucratic self-protection, political manipulation of the worst kind, the dropping of opaque hints, a gaffe backfilled by an "instant report," or the complete disintegration of our counterterror effort.
Even if there really is never another terror attempt in this country, we have already lost too much in these last six years to now have to listen to Michael Chertoff's gut, no matter what its motivation.
We cannot and will not turn this country into a police state.
But even those of us who say that most loudly and insistently acknowledge that some stricter measures, under the still-stricter supervision of as many watchdogs as we can summon, are appropriate.
But you're not even going to wring any of that from us, Mr. Chertoff, if we're going to hear remarks about your "gut feelings."
You have reduced yourself to the status of a hunch-driven clown, and it's probably time you turned your task over to somebody who represents the brain and not the gut, certainly to somebody who does not, as you do now, represent that other part of the anatomy - the one through which the body disposes of what the stomach doesn't want.